My Banshee Story

So, do you know what a banshee is? I didn’t think so, not many do. Well a banshee is like this spirit woman in Irish mythology that wails before someone in your family is about to die. I know, they’re not supposed to be real, right? Well my family is hardcore Irish Catholic so while I may not believe in them, I would never dare say that in front of my mother.

Anyways, I got this book called True Irish Ghost Stories and I was flippin’ through  it one day and was like, “Oh cool! They have an entire section on banshees!” and my sister, who’s an idiot by the way, says, “What’s a banshee?” and my brother says, “Ya know, this spirit thing that wails before someone in your family dies.” Real casual. My sister then freaks out bein’ like, “WHAT?! What do ya mean?!!?! I don’t want some spirit screaming at me before I die!” And then my mom just goes, “Oh, I’ve heard a banshee before.”

We all just shut up. My brother, Connor and I start tryin’ to pry information outta her. And naturally she’s all like, “No, I don’t wanna talk about it. Don’t ask me again.” So Connor and I say, “Fine. We’ll go ask Nana!”

Next day we knock on our Nana’s door and ya know, we’re like, “Oh hey Nana, how’s it going?” Once we get past how everyone is doing and whatnot, Connor goes, “So Nana...what can you tell us about banshees?”

My Nana immediately jumps in saying, “Ya know it’s a woman, right? It’s nawt an animal!” “Uh... yeah Nana we know.” “Well ya see, my nana, Nana Connahs, your mutha’s great grandmutha, and my mutha’s mutha, she was right off the boat from the old country. And latah in huh life, she had a stroke and lived in ouh attic fah twenty years. Now ya see, growing up, I thought that everyone had an invalid grandmutha. Imagine my surprise when I went ovah to my best friend’s house, and heard huh aunt say, ‘Ya know she’s got a sick gramndmutha in huh attic...’ I ran home from huh house crying that day.”

At this point Connor and I are like, “Um...awesome? But what does Nana Connors have to do with banshees?”

“Oh yes! So being from Ireland, Nana Connahs thought that she could hear the banshees comin’ fah huh at night. And there she would be, in huh bed and then she’d begin to pray. ‘OHHHHHHHHHH JEEEEEEEEEEESUUUUUUUS MAAAAAAAAARY AND JOSEPH!’ and then my mutha, Maime, your mutha’s grandmutha, would look at us kids and say. ‘Alright, nana’s havin’ one of huh spells, go grab the holy watah’ And us kids would stand around Nana Connah’s bad and spritz holy watah all around huh as she prayed. It’s a wundah I didn’t end up a nut!”

And then she started calling Connor fat...