The Day I Almost Died

Ok, so this is me and my friend Kelly

Great picture, right?

Anyways, Kelly works at the movie theatre one town over from where we live and as a bonus, gets two free movie tickets per day. We took advantage of that as much as we could over the summer and now that we're on break, we're back to our old habits.

Everything seemed to be going as usual. We were being too loud, sprawled out across the chairs, eating candy and popcorn, comparing the main character to ourselves. I felt bad for the one other person that was sitting about six or seven rows behind us.

The movie we saw isn't important. What's important is that Kelly and I sat in the theatre while the credits rolled just talking. 

Then suddenly, the guy who was behind us tells us that a lot of bands from Boston were in this movie. "Oh really, uh yeah, cool" was Kelly and my's response. He seemed to take that as a hint that he should tell us his life story.

Seriously though.

For a full fifteen minutes, Kelly and I sat and listened to this man's problems.

First it started off with how he was like one of the characters in the movie. He couldn't get a date in high school, "much less the backseat action that was going on"(actual quote) And mind you, this isn't some 30 year old or something, this guy was 57, at the movies by himself, complaining about his love life to two teenage girls. 

From his high school, he moved on to telling us about his two marriages that failed. He talked briefly about his first wife and how she was a "super cheater" and after he paid a lot of money to divorce her, she wanted him back because her new husband was cheating on her now. He described his second wife as a "attic alcohol, drugs, crack" If someone could tell me what that means, it would be greatly appreciated. All we knew was that she did a lot of drugs and he left her too. After two months though, she died on an aneurysm. He got back his house, his kids, his guitars, everything that she took from him in the divorce. But that came at a price too, the house needed repairs that he couldn't afford and the kids weren't too fond of him I guess.

From there he just went on to talk about how he hated women. It was here that I actually began to fear for my life. At one point he gestured to us and I flinched because I thought he might be trying to reach for a gun.

He said that he hated women, that if he could go back in time, he'd never touch a woman ever again because it brought him nothing but bad luck. "I mean, I'm 57 years old, and I'm more afraid of women and relationships than I was when I was 15. And who's gonna wanna go out with me? It's not like I can date anyone young. Like sure, I can date an 18 year old, their legal but I wouldn't for my moral reasons.  I have a kid that just turned 20 last Saturday. I have a grandchild in her teens. I couldn't do it. I look at you two and picture you as my children. I couldn't picture you as some Playboy bunnies running around for me to chase."

He starts talking about how his wives ruined women for him. That women in the old days used to find a man and hang onto him for dear life and they'd never let him go. Now, he said, women just used men to get things. "It used to be about making love, not about cars or money or looks. My first two wives saw me as a meal plan so they used me as a meal plan. There isn't one decent woman left in the world, is there?"

Sheer terror is running through our veins at this point. I'm just holding onto the fact that he said he viewed us at his children and maybe he wouldn't kill us because of that.

Then he starts talking about his music. "You know, I'm no good at singing or playing any instruments, but since I've been through so much, I can write real well. That's the only good thing I ever got out of a woman, that now I can write music so well." Kelly, in attempt to get him on his way out, offers out a meek, "Well, I hope you have good luck with your music. Maybe things will turn around for you."

The man starts to walk out of the aisle he's standing in and Kelly turns back around in her seat to face the screen. But the guys takes something out of his pocket and starts walking towards us

I am beyond scared shitless at this point and I whisper, "Kelly, he's coming down the aisle!" in a panicked tone. Both Kelly and I are actually shaking at this point. I mean, he did only take out his wallet, but it didn't stop me from thinking that maybe he wanted to make our deaths more personal by strangling us.

He pulls two cards from his wallet and places it back in his pocket. As he walks closer to us, he says, "You know, I've been on a local tv station before. Nothing big, but I came on with attitude saying that I can't play and I can't sing but I can write music. It's on youtubeyoutube. He then mumbles something about if he sent his music to a record dealership without knowing anyone, it would go straight into the trash.

Finally he begins to walk to the exit and says goodbye. Kelly and I both tell him that we enjoyed talking to him and that we wish him luck with his music. After he leaves, there's a few moments of silence before I lean over to Kelly saying, "Hold me, I think that's the closest I've ever come to dying."

That Awkward Moment when you forget one of your Best Friend's Birthday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMERON!

In honor of your birthday, I'll tell a story about us.

Ahem.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Bridget and a charming prince named Cameron. This was a mere coincidence and neither of them have anything to do with this story.

Cam's one of my more athletic friends so over the summer he called me up and asked me if I wanted to bike to the beach with him. I told him that I think he had more faith in my athletic abilities since the beach is about 8 miles from my house. But I told him I'd go.
Cam said he'd start biking over to my house right away. I was still in my pajamas so I had to find some workout clothes and eat something. I ended up only shoving a rice krispies treat down my throat before the doorbell rang.
And then we were off!

It soon became evident that we weren't going to make it to the beach.
The street that I live off of has this slight hill. While going up it, Cam turned around (thankfully he had decided to take the lead) and said, "Um....how about we just bike to my house, grab some tennis rackets, and we can just play tennis?"
Far more my speed. So I'm doing fine while biking to Cam's house (it's about 2 miles away). We throw our bikes in his driveway and that's when things start to go wrong.
At first I was just getting kinda dizzy. I thought maybe it was just my legs adjusting to walking again. But then my vision started getting dark. I figured that was because we were inside after being in the bright sun for so long. It was only when my stomach lurched did I realize what was happening.

This entire time, Cam has been chatting away, grabbing tennis rackets, getting me some water. And I've been sitting at his kitchen counter, trying not to throw up.
Cam hands me the water bottle and I look up at him and say, "Um...I don't think I can do this..." and Cam looks at me concerned and say, "What?" "I think I'm gonna throw up...Where's your bathroom?" Cam only has time to point to a doorway down the hall as I run in there.
While throwing up, I hear Cam's phone ring. So poor Cam has to listen to me throw up the rice krispies treat while talking to the woman he babysits for.
When I came out of the bathroom, pale as fuck and gross looking, Cam is already waiting for me with a water bottle and a wet towel that he proceeds to put on my forehead.

And that's why he's one of my best friends.
Well that and the fact that we were both able to laugh bout it afterwards.

Straight up Horror

A few weeks ago I encountered a beast of great power.

I merrily went about my usual routine of taking a shower in the morning. But as soon as I hopped in the shower itself, out of the corner of my eye I see a centipede. AKA creepy crawly thing with thousands of legs. AKA the inventors of my own personal nightmares.

This is actually a picture of the centipede that inhabited my high school's auditorium. None the less, still terrifying.

After stifling the scream of a lifetime, I grabbed a flip flop and flicked the centipede into the stream of water. It struggled for a bit, but then crawled out onto a wall and stayed there.

Quickest. Shower. Of my life.
I honestly just stood on the far side of the shower and rinsed off whatever shampoo I had on. But I never took my eyes off the centipede. I didn't care about the shampoo that was flowing freely into my eyes, if I shut them then the centipede might attack.

Just. Like. This

I have never wanted an American Girl Doll as much as I did while writing this

I was in class today when I looked over at my friend Marissa's hair and immediately thought that it looked exactly like an American Girl Doll's hair. The "honey blond" hair that they only had for the American Girl Dolls that you could make yourself.
Which brought me to thinking about how jealous I was of the honey blond hair. They never had an American Girl Doll that looked like me. I wanted one that had light skin with freckles, dark brown hair, and green eyes.
But no. The one with blue eyes got the freckles. The green eyed one had no freckles.

NO FRECKLES

But that was when I was younger. Looking at the website, there's so many different types of American Girl Dolls that you can make! Holy shit! I want them all! They all have different hair! God, I didn't have this when I was a kid

I actually probably look like this one more. Except the hazel eyes. Although I was never quite sure what hazel meant. Well they'd actually have to make a super special American Girl Doll for me since I have one green eye and one brown eye.

But that's beside the point. I want an American Girl Doll. They're so fucking cool. And now they have ones with short hair. Do you realize how many times I played hair stylist to my barbies that ended with all of my barbies being bald? Too many.

Never with the American Girl Dolls though. I kept my Molly doll in mint condition. Because her braids were the coolest.

And this is how I wasted 20 minutes of Intro to Theatre Design

Adventures at Phoebes!

A clip of my friend Mac and I at a cafe in between classes

My Banshee Story

So, do you know what a banshee is? I didn’t think so, not many do. Well a banshee is like this spirit woman in Irish mythology that wails before someone in your family is about to die. I know, they’re not supposed to be real, right? Well my family is hardcore Irish Catholic so while I may not believe in them, I would never dare say that in front of my mother.

Anyways, I got this book called True Irish Ghost Stories and I was flippin’ through  it one day and was like, “Oh cool! They have an entire section on banshees!” and my sister, who’s an idiot by the way, says, “What’s a banshee?” and my brother says, “Ya know, this spirit thing that wails before someone in your family dies.” Real casual. My sister then freaks out bein’ like, “WHAT?! What do ya mean?!!?! I don’t want some spirit screaming at me before I die!” And then my mom just goes, “Oh, I’ve heard a banshee before.”

We all just shut up. My brother, Connor and I start tryin’ to pry information outta her. And naturally she’s all like, “No, I don’t wanna talk about it. Don’t ask me again.” So Connor and I say, “Fine. We’ll go ask Nana!”

Next day we knock on our Nana’s door and ya know, we’re like, “Oh hey Nana, how’s it going?” Once we get past how everyone is doing and whatnot, Connor goes, “So Nana...what can you tell us about banshees?”

My Nana immediately jumps in saying, “Ya know it’s a woman, right? It’s nawt an animal!” “Uh... yeah Nana we know.” “Well ya see, my nana, Nana Connahs, your mutha’s great grandmutha, and my mutha’s mutha, she was right off the boat from the old country. And latah in huh life, she had a stroke and lived in ouh attic fah twenty years. Now ya see, growing up, I thought that everyone had an invalid grandmutha. Imagine my surprise when I went ovah to my best friend’s house, and heard huh aunt say, ‘Ya know she’s got a sick gramndmutha in huh attic...’ I ran home from huh house crying that day.”

At this point Connor and I are like, “Um...awesome? But what does Nana Connors have to do with banshees?”

“Oh yes! So being from Ireland, Nana Connahs thought that she could hear the banshees comin’ fah huh at night. And there she would be, in huh bed and then she’d begin to pray. ‘OHHHHHHHHHH JEEEEEEEEEEESUUUUUUUS MAAAAAAAAARY AND JOSEPH!’ and then my mutha, Maime, your mutha’s grandmutha, would look at us kids and say. ‘Alright, nana’s havin’ one of huh spells, go grab the holy watah’ And us kids would stand around Nana Connah’s bad and spritz holy watah all around huh as she prayed. It’s a wundah I didn’t end up a nut!”

And then she started calling Connor fat...

Adventures at the Village!

I work at a place called the Village at Duxbury. I serve food to 'high income elderly residents'.

I am a waitress for old, rich people.

Most people would think that this sounds like the most boring job in he world. Yet you forget that old people tend to say the strangest/greatest things.

I walk over to my table and say, "How was your dinner tonight?"

Woman- Oh dinner was lovely, thank you!

Man- Well aside from my wife's nagging, I'd say that dinner went well

Me- Uhh....

Woman- What did you just say?!

Man- I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to this nice lady!

Me- I'll be back with your desserts....

I was clearing my table of dinner and one of the women turned to me and said, "Are you Harry Potter's sister?"

Me- Um, come again?

Woman- Are you Harry Potter's sister? You look just like him.

Me- I do?

Woman- Yes! You've got the glasses and everything

Note- I have brown hair, but that's where the similarities between myself and Harry Potter end. I also wear black and purple glasses that look nothing like Harry Potter's

Me- Oh...well sorry to say, but I'm not Harry Potter's sister.

Woman- That's a shame...

This is story is actually from my friend who said she overheard her table having this conversation

Woman 1- I love this bread, I wish I could take it home with me

Woman 2- I thought you could. They don't let us do anything anymore!

Woman 1- I know, and it's such a shame because I love this bread.

Woman 2- You could put it down your shirt.

Woman 1-...Do you think I should?

Woman 2- Do it! Do it! (While Woman 1 puts pieces of bread down her shirt) You're so hardcore!